Lyrics
I was just a kid but I learned much too fast
I gained knowledge and experience at a young age.
Found the internet way too young a scar that would last
Early exposure to the internet left lasting emotional scars.
And you know that I hate thinking someone else did this to me
I resent the thought that someone else caused my pain.
But I had all the resources because of your enabling
Your support enabled me to access resources, contributing to my situation.
And sometimes I wonder if I didn't hurt so bad
Reflecting on whether my pain makes me less lovable to my parents.
Would I have been more lovable to my mom and my dad
Speculation on parental love and its connection to personal suffering.
And if I went back in time to see six year old me
If I could revisit my childhood, I would warn my younger self about future struggles.
Id say this shit does not get better this is who you're meant to be and
Expressing a belief that life doesn't improve and embracing one's true self.
I am a monster so you say
Self-identification as a monster, acknowledging societal perception.
I do this on purpose anyway
Suggesting a deliberate choice to engage in perceived negative behaviors.
I need to feel this pain so I can
Acknowledging a need for pain to feel alive or to validate existence.
I try to crawl away when you say my name
Attempting to escape emotional pain when one's name is mentioned.
Hold me down and scream at me
Describing a scenario of being held down and verbally abused.
You say this is where I deserve to be
Being told that the abusive situation is deserved.
So keep pretending that you love me
Persisting in believing false expressions of love.
I'll believe you although you never show it to me
Choosing to believe in love despite a lack of genuine affection.
"Wow you're such a quiet kid" they all would say to me
Recalling comments about being a quiet child.
Don't call me an old soul when I'm just unhappy
Rejecting the label of an old soul and expressing dissatisfaction.
You treated me like an adult when I was still so young
Feeling treated as an adult when still a child.
You ask what you did wrong but you fucking knew it all along
Accusing someone of knowing their wrongs but pretending otherwise.
I know that I was difficult or I knew that's how you felt
Acknowledging difficulty and the perception of selfishness when seeking help.
I was told that I was selfish when I needed fucking help
Recalling a moment of dishonesty and the subsequent harm suffered.
I remember when I lied to you I ran away and hid
Expressing the vulnerability of being a young child who lies and hides.
You didn't have to hurt me I was just a little kid
Highlighting unnecessary harm inflicted on a young, innocent child.
I was just a little kid
Reiterating the innocence and vulnerability of being a child.
And now I'm still a little kid and
Emphasizing the enduring impact of childhood experiences.
I am a monster so you say
Reiterating self-identification as a societal monster.
I do this on purpose anyway
Deliberate engagement in perceived negative actions, despite consequences.
I need to feel this pain so I can
Expressing a need for pain as a means of self-validation.
I try to crawl away when you say my name
Trying to escape emotional pain triggered by one's name being mentioned.
Hold me down and scream at me
Describing a scenario of being held down and verbally abused, reinforcing undeserved punishment.
You say this is where I deserve to be
Reiterating the belief that the abusive situation is deserved.
So keep pretending that you love me
Maintaining the facade of love despite a lack of genuine affection.
And I'll believe you I'll believe you
Continuing to believe false expressions of love, despite evidence to the contrary.
I am a monster so you say
Reiterating self-identification as a societal monster.
I do this on purpose anyway
Deliberate engagement in perceived negative actions, regardless of consequences.
I need to feel this pain so I can
Expressing a need for pain as a means of self-validation.
I try to crawl away when you say my name
Trying to escape emotional pain triggered by one's name being mentioned.
Hold me down and scream at me
Describing a scenario of being held down and verbally abused, reinforcing undeserved punishment.
You say this is where I deserve to be
Reiterating the belief that the abusive situation is deserved.
So keep pretending that you love me
Maintaining the facade of love despite a lack of genuine affection.
And I'll believe you but you never show it to me
Continuing to believe false expressions of love, despite evidence to the contrary.
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