Wicked Hands
Embracing Redemption: Ruston Kelly's Journey of Inner Conflict
Lyrics
It was a can of paint
Reference to a can of paint
With an ironic name
The paint has an ironic name, "Black Magic shade"
Black Magic shade
Describes the color of the paint over the fireplace
Over the fireplace
Implies a turning away or avoidance
And you turned away
Turning away while Sufjan is singing
As Sufjan sang
Raising questions about dignity in death
Is there dignity in death
Reflecting on hopelessness in death
If there isn't any hope left?
The speaker tried to be what was perceived as needed
But I know I tried to be
Transformation into something not authentic
What I thought you needed me to be
Recognition of the impact of past mistakes
But I was becomin' somethin' that would never be me
A realization of a divergent self
I heard the mating call
Hearing the call of destructive behaviors
For everything that made us fall
Alluding to factors causing a fall
Out of the promised land
Metaphorical exit from a promised, ideal place
With bags of contraband
Carrying forbidden or hidden items
I'm stranded in the desert with my empty and wicked hands
Feeling abandoned and morally compromised
Just tryin' to find my way before I'm lost
Searching for direction before complete loss
But I cannot keep livin' with the memory
The burden of remembering past heartbreak
Of all the heartbreak I swore that I forgot
Struggling with memories thought to be forgotten
And in the early light
Facing personal conflicts in the morning light
I find my enemy lines
Acknowledging enemy lines within oneself
And I bend into the dream
Seeking resolution and peace in dreams
That today, I will make peace
Intentions to make peace with the past
With that box of things
Haunted by a box of unresolved issues
That's still haunting me
The persistent impact of past experiences
So I take it to the trash
Disposing of lingering issues without looking back
Throw it in and I don't look back
Decisive action in moving forward
'Cause I know there's more to me
Recognition of unexplored potential
Than even I have seen
Acknowledging personal growth beyond awareness
So I get up and keep on fightin' in spite of me
Resilient determination despite internal struggles
I hear the siren call
Hearing the allure of destructive behaviors again
For everything that makes me fall
Alluding to factors causing personal setbacks
Far from the promised land
Being far from an ideal, promised state
Lookin' for heroin
Searching for solace in substances
And I wake up in the mornin' with my ugly and wicked hands
Waking up with a sense of guilt and moral decay
I just cannot bear the weight of all I've lost
The weight of accumulated losses
'Cause I cannot keep doin' all the same things
Recognition of unsustainable habits
And pretend like there will not be a cost
Confronting the inevitable consequences
But all this time, I thought it was a lost fight
Past struggles were perceived as a lost cause
To get back everything, I left behind my
The desire to regain lost elements of life
Days of rage and shame
Recalling a period of intense emotion and guilt
I still don't understand
Continued lack of understanding of the self
God, help me hide my wicked hands
A plea for divine assistance in concealing flaws
God, help me hide my wicked hands
Repetition of the plea for divine help
God, help me hide my wicked hands
Continued plea for divine assistance
God, help me hide my wicked hands
Reiteration of the plea for divine help
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