Lyrics
I guess I'm happy for you
I express contentment for your situation.
If that's how I should feel
Uncertainty about whether I should feel this way.
But honestly I'm just not there yet
Honestly, I haven't reached a similar emotional state yet.
And I don't know if I ever will be
Unsure if I will ever reach that emotional state.
I mean just this week
Recalling a recent dream where you extracted my teeth.
I dreamt that you were pulling out my teeth
Symbolic dream of discomfort or vulnerability.
One by one
Imagery of teeth being pulled out one by one.
Until there was nothing left but gums
Resulting in only gums remaining and bleeding.
And my mouth was bleeding
Feelings of foreignness within myself.
And for some reason that made me feel so foreign in my body and in myself
Expressing discomfort and alienation in my own body.
So I'm always wearing something new
Constantly adopting new things to emulate others.
To be a little more like my favorite artists or bands
Wearing new things to resemble favorite artists or bands.
Or maybe just to be a little more like you
Perhaps trying to be more like you.
A little more like the man who gets to be everything I am in my head
Striving to be like a man who embodies my ideal self.
But could never be in public
Desire to be authentic publicly, not just privately.
And if I can't be him in public am I really him at all
Questioning authenticity if I can't be myself in public.
I guess I'd call it jealousy if that didn't feel so raw
Identifying feelings as raw rather than jealousy.
I'm just tempted to feel
Tempted to feel a certain way.
Feel like I should crave
Feeling pressured to crave certain things.
All the things that make your life so great
Envying aspects that make your life great.
The things I've been working to create
Mentioning personal achievements like a bigger house and better grades.
Like a bigger house and better grades
Listing material and physical improvements sought.
Acrylic nails around my waist
Desiring aesthetic enhancements like acrylic nails.
A stronger jaw and a perfect voice and a better taste in music
Seeking improvements in jaw, voice, and music taste.
Or a hall pass to shut it out and say I didn't do it
Contemplating avoiding responsibility and denying actions.
But if that's not who I am I guess there's no one else to blame
Reflecting on personal identity and accountability.
For the parts of myself that I've taught everyone to hate
Acknowledging disliked parts of oneself projected onto others.
But when we were growing up we used to swear and then we'd shake
Recalling past oaths of future success.
That several years from then we'd be having our big break
Contrasting current situations with past aspirations.
And now your break is coming and I'm working more than ever
Observing others' success while working hard personally.
Just to get my feet back on the ground
Struggling to regain stability after setbacks.
Go outside and enjoy the weather
Encouraging oneself to appreciate the present.
I know that it's a lie, something you've taught me to believe
Aware of a deceptive belief instilled by others.
But it's deep deep deep deep
Deep-seated desire for self-acceptance.
That I might like myself more and just friends might love me too
Hoping to improve self-image and gain acceptance from others.
My family would come around and I'd get into NYU
Fantasizing about positive outcomes in personal and academic life.
My songs would be a hit and I'd see each one of them through
Imagining success in the music industry.
If I was just a little more like you
Wishing to be more like you for a better life.
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