Lyrics
I’m sick of having to know what’s best when I even know myself that well
I struggle to make decisions for myself despite knowing myself well.
When I avoid eyes of people to hide my pain but I don’t know the story that there’s could tell
I avoid eye contact to hide my pain, unaware of the stories others may have.
The people advising my life are self concerned as im divided with strife
Those advising me are self-centered, causing internal conflict.
Count myself as alive, shotgun rides, the devil can drive whoa
Considering myself alive, acknowledging that sometimes negative influences can drive.
Like I don’t even know whether I prefer the sunrise or sunset
Uncertain about preferences, whether sunrise or sunset.
Women talk about children I don’t know if im ready for one yet
Unsure about readiness for children.
Shit... I dont even know if I’m ready to settle down, and if I describe it as settling now is it worth having having around?
Questioning readiness to settle down, pondering if it's worth keeping around.
Like I’m so quick to say we could’ve made this heal but I don’t have the words to tell you how I feel so how the fuck could I know that it was ever real?
Expressing difficulty in articulating feelings, questioning the reality of past relationships.
My mind swimming in constant bottles and women
Mind occupied with vices, causing problems and barriers.
It’s causing problems and tends to
Continued engagement in negative behaviors affecting living conditions.
To make the walls that I live in
Walls in life, representing challenges, sometimes small but significant.
Sometimes they’re small but the biggest
Heartache and drinking contribute to significant challenges.
Involves my heartache and drinking
Drinking as a means of escaping reality.
Could make them fall but I’m dreaming
Despite challenges, dreams persist until waking and confronting reality.
Until I’m waking and screaming
Emotional turmoil leading to waking and screaming.
Cause you’re the one that I’m needing
Expressing need for a specific person.
But the dream is always you leaving
Dreams often involve the fear of the person leaving.
Shoulda known the heart don’t break even
Recognizing the inevitability of heartbreak.
Couldn’t speak cause you’d stopped me from breathing
Communication difficulty due to emotional distress.
You were happy at the end cause you’d accepted the grieving
Recognizing acceptance of grief in the past relationship.
So you let me just pretend I would’ve accepted your reasons
Pretending to accept reasons for the breakup.
I keep my enemies close despite I never had meant to
Keeping enemies close unintentionally.
It’s the way that it goes the wrong ones I’m a friend to
Accepting wrong individuals as friends, acknowledging the inevitability of such choices.
My life is made of choices played
Life defined by choices, acknowledging the challenges of handling baggage.
In games of spades when baggage come too much to handle, yeah
Comparing life choices to a game of spades, recognizing the burden of baggage.
In spite my pain, I made my name
Despite pain, achieving recognition and success.
It’s claimed my brain now this ego you couldn’t hold a candle, whoa
Developing ego as a coping mechanism.
I light the pain, invite the shame
Confronting pain and shame, fighting for personal growth.
I fight for gains forever uphill my battle
Persistent struggle uphill, depicting the ongoing battle for improvement.
Feeling lower than my standards
Feeling below personal standards, struggling with self-worth.
So much time writing my pain now my hand hurts
Intensive writing as a form of catharsis.
Place this pencil to the paper like my chemo to cancer
Comparing music as a disease, a prison that cannot be cured.
Music’s my disease spread a prison I cant cure, you don’t answer
Frustration over unanswered calls in a metaphorical prison.
I wish I had more sense for every time you changed your mind...doubting my trust cuz of your insecurity, so sharing my last name wont keep you in security
Expressing regret and doubt about trust and relationships.
My mind is bending from all this sinning liquor and women waking to unknown linen/ wishing back living the time zone difference/ knowing our doom fate she blooms grace/ eventually her pedals wither to resume hate/ it pains me that I never got closure/ more so drains me we were much closer/ didn’t care about the mass appeal/ to love you was to love the kids as a package deal/ when I lost you I lost them leaving me sleep deprived/ and weak inside speech is tired from acts of guilt I bleed and cry/ heart collateral damage knowing they won’t remember me/ emotions seemingly vanished cold as the winter breeze/ six years ago standing by the kitchen sink/ pouring my feelings out with these drinks/ trust is thin my fucks are ten minus ten fucks to give/ freeing angst isn’t much to spend/ deep down feel like a bad son/ mom wanting grandkids not knowing she should’ve had one/ not enough words can heal that type of hurt/ finding someone to remind me of her/
Reflecting on a past relationship's impact, expressing pain, and regret over lost connections.
Living in the shadow of regret...I wear comedy as a suit. Custom fit since my heart was tied to a noose, lied with the truth with my demons hungover tied from the roof.
Living with regret, using comedy as a defense mechanism for past pain.
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